Saturday, January 21, 2006

Dear xxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Very soon we will begin the abortion.

I very much appreciate the support you have given me so far, and I hope to learn more from you about your perspective and how to help you to cope with it. It is a delicate subject that we are both haunted by, but I feel confident that we can use this experience to turn those ghosts in to guardian angels. What I mean is that I am approaching this very difficult experience as an opportunity to grow, and I hope that we can embark on that process together. I sincerely feel that this spirit was sent to my womb to teach us how to come together, to greive together, to support one another, and to persevere in the face of something we cannot buy our way out of. At times during this next couple of weeks as we go through the abortion process, we will probably cry. At times we will probably be angry. At times we will think, “this is too fucking much, I cant do this.” But we have to, we have no choice. We have learned that from having children, and we will put it to practice again as we let go of another.

I have researched herbal abortion and have made a plan. You very graciously told me that you would do anything that I needed you to do, and I am going to accept that offer. I thought that I might tell you how to best do that, what I need from you so that you don’t have to guess about anything. It is tremendously difficult, yet entirely monumental that I am saying this, but I need for this time to be about us and me, and not you. Period. When this is over, everything will be different, we as people and as a family. And then we will begin the process of talking about your vascectomy, and I will be sure that you get the same special care. I have already begun to be able to visualize the person that I am going to be when I come out on the other side. I know that this is it. This is the next event in both of our lives that will determine who we are. Because we really are still becoming who we are, and it is beyond critical to our love that we manage to get through this together.

On the first day, I will make the arrangements for a clinical abortion in case this one fails. I have faith in my body, my will, your will, the earth, plants, and the synergy of the universe to provide the right outcome. However, there are unknowns, and once I have ingested the abortifacient herbs, the embryo will be at the very least damaged. I will need to go to have a pregnancy test at a clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed so that I can start the process to get a DSHS coupon, and then I will make an appointment at a clinic. With blessings, I will not have to keep the appointment, but then at least I could be sure that the pregnancy is terminated before it is too late. I will get all of the herbs for the abortion, and we will need to talk a lot. Probably more than you want to, but it is important that we stay together, and remain bonded and present for each other.

The first day, I will start taking Vitamin C at hourly intervals. This both stimulates my immune system, and tells my glands to stop excreting progesterone, which the embryo needs to survive. I will use a tampon soaked in parsley and evening primrose oil as a vaginal suppository in order to get the oils to my cervix, in order to ‘ripen’ it and ask it to let go of the hold it now has in order to keep everything in my uterus safe. This will be very uncomfortable, please be tolerant of any bitchiness that results. I will start to drink cotton root tea, once and then five hours later, and then four hours later, and then two, and then at regular intervals of two hours until the bleeding starts. This will shut down progesterone production even more, and will probably result in the death of the embryo. This rapid change in hormones will be very weird, Im not quite sure what to expect, but please be respectful, listen to me cry or leave me alone or hold me, and bite your tounge if you have to. I promise I will appologize later. I will promise to tell you what I want and not expect you to be a mind reader.

The next day, I will continue to do all the same things and begin taking the Blue Cohosh tincture (thirty drops in warm water) every four hours for five days. This herb has two chemical properties that are abortifacient. First, it stimulates oxytocin, which contracts the uterus. I have read that the oxytocin release from orgasm enhances this function quite a bit, by establishing a rhythm in uterine contraction. We should talk about sex. We should see if this is an option for our program, but we (I’ll help!) would need to make sure that I had an orgasm (oh darn!). After the first dose or two, I should do some physical excersize to get it pumping through my system. This would be an excellent time for me to take a brisk walk in the woods, it would also be very good for me to talk to the trees during this time. I don’t know what the effects of this herb will feel like, it will be at least very uncomfortable and at most excruciatingly painful. We’ll see.

On the next day, I will begin to taper off the cotton root and start to drink Angelica tea. This is a blood thinner and a uterus relaxer. This is when most of the blood will come out and I will have to catch it in a menstrual cup and pour it in to a glass of water to look for the fibrous tissue. This might be really difficult, and maybe something you can help me with. I want to pour this water to the fern outside our front door. I will continue this routine until the bleeding begins to wane and the yellow branch-like structure that is the part that connects the embryo the uterine wall is found. This means that the abortion is complete, and that I can begin to restore the dramatic depletion that my body has undergone in terminating the pregnancy. During this time, I will need lots of water, mineral-rich (especially iron) and protein-rich food, help taking my tinctures and teas at regular intervals, to be held and kissed and loved, time for contemplation, and rest. I will need to wake up a couple times in the night to take tincture. I will need a well-cleaned bathroom to take baths and meditate on the emotional aspects of this detatchment and to preform the more gruesome parts, as well as a peaceful sanctuary in the bedroom to retreat to.

I know that this is all a lot to ask, but it is what we have to do. In many ways, you will have to bear the same degree of burden as I do, just in a different way. Through all of this, I will do whatever I am able to make it as easy for you as possible. I know that we can do it together. When the abortion is complete, I will have to spend the next few weeks repairing. I will start taking echinacea and astralagus to stimulate immune function, and get back on a Multivitamin routine. I will need to eat really well, drink Nutri-tea, and plenty of water as well as take it easy and get plenty of rest. I will need to drink teas to contract my uterus down to its normals size. Most importantly, I will need to repair the damage to my liver and kidneys that the abortifacient herbs made. The silver lining is, I will be forced to take care of myself in the way that I know is best and have been wanting to start doing again. This would be a really good time for you to make any lifestyle changes that might make you healthier, and to start to research what you can do herbally to prepare for sterilization, because we will be able to support each other now in our changes, perhaps better than any other time, because we will both be in transition.

This will be a huge transformation for us, for me, and I think for you. I think that a lot of the problems we have now will be resolved by the growth that will take place through all of this. I will feel stronger, and the negative feelings that I still hold on to from our last pregnancy will be replaced with trust, mutuality, connectivity, and love. I love you so much, and I know that this is going to make us better. This child, this life of ours that is growing inside of me, cannot go to waste. We must take that energy of life that we created and transform it into something that we do want right now. I want a garden, a happy family, good food, beautiful things to look at, and you there with me as I look at them.

submitted by anonymous
[tags: herbal abortion, alternative abortion, d.i.y. abortion]


Amos said...

I believe that great strength is found in the bonds forged in the process of grieving and fathoms of love found in recovery and new growth. To those whom this letter concerns, my prayers are with you daily in the process ahead. Thank you for sharing the tremendous bravery and respect written out here. Just... Thank you. More than my heart goes with you.

With sincere love and great respect,

Anonymous said...

Not sure when your article was written but it is very helpful for me to read as someone in a similiar situation.