i would love to go to XXXXXXXXXXX with ya! also, i know i'm far away, but i'm always here to talk to. ya know with all this distance i've had time to really think about our relationship (mostly my fuck ups)i egret something. when we were xxxxxxxxx-ing, you had that friend that drove us there and back. i was not the most diplomatic when talking about him to you. i was angry and i didn't do a good job of explaining why. i really can't remember your friends name so i'll call him bob. i wasn't angry because of just you, but about people's interactions in general. see, i think in many ways i've changed a lot over the past few years (i know you can relate) and mostly i feel like my friends haven't changed with me, but far more offensive, is that they haven't supported my change. i can't speak for now, but i know around that time that you were really struggling with the fact that your friends no longer came around becaue you weren't the social center anymore. i know you had been that pivitol person in your social group, and then you had a meaningful relationship and children, and that stopped. i was angry for you that your friends weren't as there for you as they should have been. i'm sure it was made worse by the fact that XXXX's friends were more supportive (it's a girl/guy thing i think, and unfortunately you go the short end of the stick. what i was trying to say was that i hurt fo you, but it didn't come out that way. i was hurt because i could tell how much you needed support andi didn't feel your male friends were providing that, and i was frusterated that i couldn't provide that support as a female. i also saw you change a lot around "bob" and that hurt me for two reasons. 1 (and most important for me) was why should you have to act differently around your guy friends? why should you have to prove anything? i felt as though if they didn't get it, then they could go fuck themselves. but i also know that you really needed them, and they weren't there the way you needed them, so you adjusted your personality to get your needs met ( that could be false, but that was how i saw it). my other frusteration was that no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't be what you needed. i was also mad that i felt i saw you for what you truly were, i saw you at some of your very intimate moments, i knew/know how beautiful you can be when you let your barriers down, and i didnt feel like your friends understood. and i didn't understand how they couldn't see your beauty, how what you were doing was more important than coke and booze. what i am trying to say out of all of this is that my harshness was unnecessary and that it came out of concern. i miss you XXXXXX, you are a good friend, and a good person. you should be really proud of yourself. i love you! give a hug to XXXXXX and XXXXXXXXXXXX for me!
love,
XXXXXXXXXXXX
p.s. i can't fix and of my spelling or punctuation errors because it fucks it all up, i'm guessing you know what i mean.
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