Tuesday, January 31, 2006

it's strange being away from my girls, even for just a few days. but my weird book life/job necessitates that, in return offering not only something to do from home but uninterrupted time with my children almost whenever we want it. every day i hunker down a little bit closer to center, waiting for life to catch up. as usual, I wish we could just fast forward.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

"You have never seen a bigger pain in the ass than the father who wants to get involved; he can be repulsive."

Former Chief Judge Richard Huttner, Kings County (Brooklyn) Family Court and Member of the New York State Commission on Child Support quoted in "The Fathers Also Rise", New York Magazine, November 18, 1985.

Interesting stuff old friend,

Beautiful fam you got there. I was just checken out your site, and the section about papas caught my eye. Im not ganna bore you by going into my year long court battle's with my daughters mamma. XXXX (our daughter) funny enough sharing the name sake of XXXX XXXXXXXX has spent more time having legal papers thrown back and forth over her then just about anyone i know. It's kinda fucked man, But more to the point, I cant tell u how many time attornies, friends, case workers, mediators, even child phyciatris beleave it or not told me to just walk away. People would say things like "Why do u even want to get involved? You pony up for Child suport, health insurance, day care, and attornie fees and all u get out of it is a couple of hours on the weekend."

I guess as a "single" pappa your just shuffled into that knuckle dragging girlfriend beating deadbeat dad sterio type. When faced with odds favored toward the mamma in every single court case regardless of the situation I can understand why some pappa's would feel unwanted altogather.
Give'em an invoice and show'em the door.
It's created a devide, the hudge step forward woman took in the 50's & 60's, has created a hudge bias in the civil courts. A serious look needs to be taken at this gap. I spent most of last year searching web sites on fathers rights and the laws regarding them. Its pretty fucken weak man. Anywho I get pretty fired up when i start thinking about the courts and getting bent over like most fathers do. So I'll stop this dieatribe for now.


p.s. your site is 2 lagit 2 quit.

oh you know,i think i miss the mundane stuff most.

i would love to go to XXXXXXXXXXX with ya! also, i know i'm far away, but i'm always here to talk to. ya know with all this distance i've had time to really think about our relationship (mostly my fuck ups)i egret something. when we were xxxxxxxxx-ing, you had that friend that drove us there and back. i was not the most diplomatic when talking about him to you. i was angry and i didn't do a good job of explaining why. i really can't remember your friends name so i'll call him bob. i wasn't angry because of just you, but about people's interactions in general. see, i think in many ways i've changed a lot over the past few years (i know you can relate) and mostly i feel like my friends haven't changed with me, but far more offensive, is that they haven't supported my change. i can't speak for now, but i know around that time that you were really struggling with the fact that your friends no longer came around becaue you weren't the social center anymore. i know you had been that pivitol person in your social group, and then you had a meaningful relationship and children, and that stopped. i was angry for you that your friends weren't as there for you as they should have been. i'm sure it was made worse by the fact that XXXX's friends were more supportive (it's a girl/guy thing i think, and unfortunately you go the short end of the stick. what i was trying to say was that i hurt fo you, but it didn't come out that way. i was hurt because i could tell how much you needed support andi didn't feel your male friends were providing that, and i was frusterated that i couldn't provide that support as a female. i also saw you change a lot around "bob" and that hurt me for two reasons. 1 (and most important for me) was why should you have to act differently around your guy friends? why should you have to prove anything? i felt as though if they didn't get it, then they could go fuck themselves. but i also know that you really needed them, and they weren't there the way you needed them, so you adjusted your personality to get your needs met ( that could be false, but that was how i saw it). my other frusteration was that no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't be what you needed. i was also mad that i felt i saw you for what you truly were, i saw you at some of your very intimate moments, i knew/know how beautiful you can be when you let your barriers down, and i didnt feel like your friends understood. and i didn't understand how they couldn't see your beauty, how what you were doing was more important than coke and booze. what i am trying to say out of all of this is that my harshness was unnecessary and that it came out of concern. i miss you XXXXXX, you are a good friend, and a good person. you should be really proud of yourself. i love you! give a hug to XXXXXX and XXXXXXXXXXXX for me!

p.s. i can't fix and of my spelling or punctuation errors because it fucks it all up, i'm guessing you know what i mean.

submitted by anonymous

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Fall Great Plains Anarchist Network Caucus from a Parenting Perspective

The following comes from the AINFOS mailing list and is written by parents who have attended an Anarchist get together in the USA. I’m posting it here because it shows that the problems of parents, childcare and anarchism are not exclusive to Australia, and that the same problems are occuring in other places. In my opinion, the anarchist movement, in Australia at least, is/has lost its generational continuity because of its often ignorant or hostile attitude to parents and children, and is all the poorer for this.

The Fall Great Plains Anarchist Network Caucus from a Parenting Perspective

I’m writing this piece because I rarely hear how anarchist conferences or gatherings (that don’t include militant direct action or some sort of protest activity) go after they happen. There’s always a good deal of media before an event to get people there, but little is written afterwards. I’ve had even more trouble finding people’s perspectives on how childcare, personal bonding or networking went. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that protest action is sexier than who played with the kids. Similarly, certain activities are seen as more important and thus more glorified and covered than others; activities which oftentimes fall into traditional gender roles.


Saturday, January 21, 2006

Dear xxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Very soon we will begin the abortion.

I very much appreciate the support you have given me so far, and I hope to learn more from you about your perspective and how to help you to cope with it. It is a delicate subject that we are both haunted by, but I feel confident that we can use this experience to turn those ghosts in to guardian angels. What I mean is that I am approaching this very difficult experience as an opportunity to grow, and I hope that we can embark on that process together. I sincerely feel that this spirit was sent to my womb to teach us how to come together, to greive together, to support one another, and to persevere in the face of something we cannot buy our way out of. At times during this next couple of weeks as we go through the abortion process, we will probably cry. At times we will probably be angry. At times we will think, “this is too fucking much, I cant do this.” But we have to, we have no choice. We have learned that from having children, and we will put it to practice again as we let go of another.

I have researched herbal abortion and have made a plan. You very graciously told me that you would do anything that I needed you to do, and I am going to accept that offer. I thought that I might tell you how to best do that, what I need from you so that you don’t have to guess about anything. It is tremendously difficult, yet entirely monumental that I am saying this, but I need for this time to be about us and me, and not you. Period. When this is over, everything will be different, we as people and as a family. And then we will begin the process of talking about your vascectomy, and I will be sure that you get the same special care. I have already begun to be able to visualize the person that I am going to be when I come out on the other side. I know that this is it. This is the next event in both of our lives that will determine who we are. Because we really are still becoming who we are, and it is beyond critical to our love that we manage to get through this together.

On the first day, I will make the arrangements for a clinical abortion in case this one fails. I have faith in my body, my will, your will, the earth, plants, and the synergy of the universe to provide the right outcome. However, there are unknowns, and once I have ingested the abortifacient herbs, the embryo will be at the very least damaged. I will need to go to have a pregnancy test at a clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed so that I can start the process to get a DSHS coupon, and then I will make an appointment at a clinic. With blessings, I will not have to keep the appointment, but then at least I could be sure that the pregnancy is terminated before it is too late. I will get all of the herbs for the abortion, and we will need to talk a lot. Probably more than you want to, but it is important that we stay together, and remain bonded and present for each other.

The first day, I will start taking Vitamin C at hourly intervals. This both stimulates my immune system, and tells my glands to stop excreting progesterone, which the embryo needs to survive. I will use a tampon soaked in parsley and evening primrose oil as a vaginal suppository in order to get the oils to my cervix, in order to ‘ripen’ it and ask it to let go of the hold it now has in order to keep everything in my uterus safe. This will be very uncomfortable, please be tolerant of any bitchiness that results. I will start to drink cotton root tea, once and then five hours later, and then four hours later, and then two, and then at regular intervals of two hours until the bleeding starts. This will shut down progesterone production even more, and will probably result in the death of the embryo. This rapid change in hormones will be very weird, Im not quite sure what to expect, but please be respectful, listen to me cry or leave me alone or hold me, and bite your tounge if you have to. I promise I will appologize later. I will promise to tell you what I want and not expect you to be a mind reader.

The next day, I will continue to do all the same things and begin taking the Blue Cohosh tincture (thirty drops in warm water) every four hours for five days. This herb has two chemical properties that are abortifacient. First, it stimulates oxytocin, which contracts the uterus. I have read that the oxytocin release from orgasm enhances this function quite a bit, by establishing a rhythm in uterine contraction. We should talk about sex. We should see if this is an option for our program, but we (I’ll help!) would need to make sure that I had an orgasm (oh darn!). After the first dose or two, I should do some physical excersize to get it pumping through my system. This would be an excellent time for me to take a brisk walk in the woods, it would also be very good for me to talk to the trees during this time. I don’t know what the effects of this herb will feel like, it will be at least very uncomfortable and at most excruciatingly painful. We’ll see.

On the next day, I will begin to taper off the cotton root and start to drink Angelica tea. This is a blood thinner and a uterus relaxer. This is when most of the blood will come out and I will have to catch it in a menstrual cup and pour it in to a glass of water to look for the fibrous tissue. This might be really difficult, and maybe something you can help me with. I want to pour this water to the fern outside our front door. I will continue this routine until the bleeding begins to wane and the yellow branch-like structure that is the part that connects the embryo the uterine wall is found. This means that the abortion is complete, and that I can begin to restore the dramatic depletion that my body has undergone in terminating the pregnancy. During this time, I will need lots of water, mineral-rich (especially iron) and protein-rich food, help taking my tinctures and teas at regular intervals, to be held and kissed and loved, time for contemplation, and rest. I will need to wake up a couple times in the night to take tincture. I will need a well-cleaned bathroom to take baths and meditate on the emotional aspects of this detatchment and to preform the more gruesome parts, as well as a peaceful sanctuary in the bedroom to retreat to.

I know that this is all a lot to ask, but it is what we have to do. In many ways, you will have to bear the same degree of burden as I do, just in a different way. Through all of this, I will do whatever I am able to make it as easy for you as possible. I know that we can do it together. When the abortion is complete, I will have to spend the next few weeks repairing. I will start taking echinacea and astralagus to stimulate immune function, and get back on a Multivitamin routine. I will need to eat really well, drink Nutri-tea, and plenty of water as well as take it easy and get plenty of rest. I will need to drink teas to contract my uterus down to its normals size. Most importantly, I will need to repair the damage to my liver and kidneys that the abortifacient herbs made. The silver lining is, I will be forced to take care of myself in the way that I know is best and have been wanting to start doing again. This would be a really good time for you to make any lifestyle changes that might make you healthier, and to start to research what you can do herbally to prepare for sterilization, because we will be able to support each other now in our changes, perhaps better than any other time, because we will both be in transition.

This will be a huge transformation for us, for me, and I think for you. I think that a lot of the problems we have now will be resolved by the growth that will take place through all of this. I will feel stronger, and the negative feelings that I still hold on to from our last pregnancy will be replaced with trust, mutuality, connectivity, and love. I love you so much, and I know that this is going to make us better. This child, this life of ours that is growing inside of me, cannot go to waste. We must take that energy of life that we created and transform it into something that we do want right now. I want a garden, a happy family, good food, beautiful things to look at, and you there with me as I look at them.

submitted by anonymous
[tags: herbal abortion, alternative abortion, d.i.y. abortion]

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Weep (it is frequent in human affairs),

Weep for the terrible magnificence of the means,

The Ridiculous incompetence of the reasons,
the bloody and shabby
pathos of the result.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

lyli in her saturday afternoon attire

Saturday, January 7, 2006

it's fucking hard

sometimes but you've just got to do it. you can't quit like you did with every other thing you didn't like. at times you want to scream or drink the world. other times you're just plain old-fashioned lonely. take time to write. take time off from everything when you can. take time out for a beer, just the two of you, and remember that you are still free. and so are the one's you love. your wings may at times feel clipped or caged but that's just because you haven't spread them in awhile. you've been too busy admiring other angels.

Sunday, January 1, 2006

divergent paths and harbored guilt

we are capable of inflicting the worst possible pains on those we hold most dear. time, patience, distance, space, wants, needs, plans, dreams, desires, self-consciousness, self-confidence. these things tried and true and tired and rude and rhythmic. we dance around our alter-egos, pretending we care more about this than that or me or you or them. we lead each other on in order to test our limits, see what we can get away with. the health of our partner is not always in the forefront of our minds but we still and always care like a river flows. anger and madness are our sometimes bedfellows and occasionally we make pacts with peace or slumber. overall our shock at the flying hours only leaves us room to shrink back into ourselves, our shells, our foxholes.