Wednesday, February 8, 2006

there have been things i have done to destroy myself...

the thing i wanted most, was to be accepted, and loved, and to have a family. i have created those things, and every time i have settled into the life i created, i have done something destructive to destabilize my situation.
the thing that made the most sense to me, having my first daughter, destroyed my wife. her reaction to it, hating getting pregnant, destroyed me. my reaction to that, pulling away in a misguided attempt to protect myself, and my baby, destroyed her. her reaction to that , having an affair when my baby was months old, attempted to destroy our marriage. my reaction to her affair, shaming her for her choices, nearly destroyed her, and i am continuing to react to it. every time i turn to look, i have done something else to get back at her for her choice to look outside of our marriage for her intimacy. each time i fall in love with another of our friends, it destroys both of us further. i have not determined a way to stop that cycle. i have had limited success making real-world choices not to betray her. even when i choose not to see another friend, the inclination to self destruction sneaks up on me from behind, and i betray myself, and my family. in the moment, somehow i have a history of not seeing it happening, and each time, i continue my destructive path, justifying my actions with myself.
i feel like i am drowning in myself, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. i have made my choices, now years passed. the things i chose for myself are haunting me every day.
i am despirate for air, and i am not getting it.
i have been clouding my own judgement with pot-smoke in an attempt to look away from my accountability-for so long now, that i can't remember when i was in touch with myself.
when i am sober i suffer, and when i am stoned, i am blind to myself. i neglect my life, and the ones i love the most. i have walked away from all the things i have held the highest.
i am .... floundering.
submitted by anonymous

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