Thursday, October 5, 2006

sagacious solipsism

sleep a restless pain-in-the-neck five hours and awake at two a.m. hurting and not tired. watch a twistedly entertaining movie: Naked, would expect nightmares if I remembered any of my dreams, so I'll just walk around horrified by sparrows and fall's final dandelions all day tomorrow, a shambling socializing somnambulist who stubbornly refuses to recall emotions. yet i remember a time i lived on trail mix and wine for what seemed like eons. I must be this ego of which I keep getting accused, harboring grudges against itself for previous transgressions.

for the sake of my own lonliness, I assume other single parents feel as useless and alone and unproductive as I do. fully realizing the futility, pig-headedness and untruth of these ideas I keep on truckin', nose ground down on a rough wheel. I smoke another cigarette, recalling more chemically dependent days than these and thanking myself and several gods I made it this far. i meditatively mutter oath sworn mantras about tomorrow and laugh at my own ridiculous optimism.

i boast a proclivity for extremes while it slowly tears me apart. i suppose eventually i too, like my own conclusive theories, will have to find some middle ground. in the meantime i weather the storm of my own bottled emotions, the tiny ship inside heaving to and fro with the ebb and flow of tears, the gravity of this situation moon, my heart a sattelite incinerated by the atmosphere of this very room.

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