and they learn to say 'NO' without me. these milestones feel strange as you pass beneath and thru them, crossing a bridge you will never cross again and looking out over whatever body of whichever waters you happen to be crossing at the time and wondering what new eras this slight shift shall usher in. As the little epochs between the large advances grow further and further apart I think the parents begin to regain bits$ of themselves, their inate tendencies towards change and growth getting a bit of breathing room back, our own personal advances having been slown down by the sped-up hyper evolution of our children. Whew! More on this later...
Heather tells me to read Redefining Our Relationships by Wendy O-Matik but my mother beats me to it and we have an interesting discussion about a book I've just picked up that she's read thoroughly and the generational gap between our two alternative beautiful worlds smacks it's chasm of a maw open and shut on our words and hearts and confusion reigns down from our cloudy, lofty, failed ambitions which, like intentions, are used to pave the road to hell.
Soon, no matter how many rocks may block the road, Stephanie and I will begin planning an iNFORMAL aNARCHIST pARENTING pARTY! sometime around spring equinox at our Hungry Hollow Farmhouse outside of Shelton, Washington. If anyone is interested in attending please contact me: sky.cosby (at) gmail.com - more on this to follow as develops.
I miss my ladies and their rapid changing growth. I wonder what new words they will know, what concepts they will dangle directly in front of me until I realize what it is they're doing. Scarleht was rubbing the tips of her thumb, index and middle finger together gently the other day with both hands and it took me about an hour to figure out what she was doing... she was sitting on my lap and started doing it near the computer and I realized she was mimicking the motions of Steph or my's hands on the touch-pad! Brilliant guilt followed this revelation but hey, they're gonna need to be computer literate, right? They might as well watch people who use a computer as a tool rather than for pure entertainment.
I leave for Shelton in 7 hours. My time here in Walla Walla is always packed and poorly absent of certain aspects of healing I wish it would provide, namely the absence of a few key peoples from my past and my own absent-minded forlornness. But the beat goes on, and so do we. Power to the Parents!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
There is a Tiger in My Tree
from The Tiny Revolution, Michael Blanford's excellent papa blog!
This morning has been a whirl-wind of grouchy adults, a grouchy baby, a small flood in the kitchen, a scramble to get some laundry and dishes done and a pile of dog vomit that included a pen cap, a rubber band, a plastic wrapper and two leaves. Despite all this, Atom and I are getting into our daily groove. He is doing great at night with few feedings and often 4 to 5 hours of continuous sleep but that leaves the day to be punctuated with hourly feeding, non-stop diaper changing and daily excursions to keep our sanity. We are starting to come to the realization that Atom is what the “experts” call a high-needs baby. I guess it is a great thing that he finds himself most comfortable in our arms but I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit that it can really wear me down sometimes.
We have been doing some reading and have found some great ways to calm him down. Many of the methods come from Dr. Sears but I am also having some success with the book “The Happiest Baby on the Block”. Despite the cheesy name and some dubious claims, the book was recommended by our doula and a few other parents and I think has some real merit. I will talk a little more about it later. As for now, it is warming up outside and we need to get ready to take to the streets.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
introducing my ladies to old friends
funny how currents carry us. faces that are old to me are new to them for now, becoming old. part of me longs so much for that world I've left behind, to be back and in it now like bygone times. but my eyes are different, my hands, the soles of my feet.
i hold my daughters hands to fall asleep myself.
i wake into their dawn.
i be.
i hold my daughters hands to fall asleep myself.
i wake into their dawn.
i be.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Parenting & Gender Zines - Installment #1
A few good 'zines my buddy Pirate has scanned on recently. More 'zines searchable at Zinelibrary.net
Fertility Awareness for Non-Invasive Birth Control
jane - documents from Chicago's Clandestine Abortion Service 1968-1973
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
harbored a sporadically volatile conversation...
with Steph ranging from insecurities to resentment to moving to purpose to place. Good to get some words out, mapping future good words. Still, it's hard to jack up a house in order to lay a foundation.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Addressing the almost over-powering yin of an abortion clinic waiting room while my partner gets a pap smear among other things...
from a male doctor for the first time.
The other man (a father?.. no) and I exchange a handful of eyes over the course of an hour and nearly a half and I want to shake his hand, speak openly and intimately here and now because he quite obviously seldom does and so do I and I think maybe here of all places would be a good place to start and maybe he feels something akin to that too and that’s why this is so awkward because we’ve never done it before or maybe he has but anyway we don’t and the rug is a hideously queasy pale blue and the curtains and cupboard doors are spackled and sponged a mix of teal and granite, very un-yin actually, and I think one of the plants may be real and Madonna of course looks nice atop the towers of shitty mothering magazines and it makes me really glad somewhere not very deep down at all and not really glad really that the date on the cheapo plasti-wood plaque from the better business bureau reads 2003 and the nurses here are so highly charged but somber, a mix of life and death and hope and loss and horror hovering over the place like a fog bank that you never really withdraw from but leave a little piece of yourself in for all the future patrons to perceive and when the nurse takes us in the back room and I try to wrap my mind around ’11 weeks’ while she says ‘less than a minute’ and I just blink, blink back confused tears or anger or a dust mote in the eyes of many gods and the blue rug and the mindless magazines we pore over anyways like ignorant savages must devour playboys, that strange hot cocktail of exceitement and revulsion that comes from being somewhere you’re not supposed to be but have to.
submitted by anonymous
The other man (a father?.. no) and I exchange a handful of eyes over the course of an hour and nearly a half and I want to shake his hand, speak openly and intimately here and now because he quite obviously seldom does and so do I and I think maybe here of all places would be a good place to start and maybe he feels something akin to that too and that’s why this is so awkward because we’ve never done it before or maybe he has but anyway we don’t and the rug is a hideously queasy pale blue and the curtains and cupboard doors are spackled and sponged a mix of teal and granite, very un-yin actually, and I think one of the plants may be real and Madonna of course looks nice atop the towers of shitty mothering magazines and it makes me really glad somewhere not very deep down at all and not really glad really that the date on the cheapo plasti-wood plaque from the better business bureau reads 2003 and the nurses here are so highly charged but somber, a mix of life and death and hope and loss and horror hovering over the place like a fog bank that you never really withdraw from but leave a little piece of yourself in for all the future patrons to perceive and when the nurse takes us in the back room and I try to wrap my mind around ’11 weeks’ while she says ‘less than a minute’ and I just blink, blink back confused tears or anger or a dust mote in the eyes of many gods and the blue rug and the mindless magazines we pore over anyways like ignorant savages must devour playboys, that strange hot cocktail of exceitement and revulsion that comes from being somewhere you’re not supposed to be but have to.
submitted by anonymous
Wednesday, February 8, 2006
there have been things i have done to destroy myself...
the thing i wanted most, was to be accepted, and loved, and to have a family. i have created those things, and every time i have settled into the life i created, i have done something destructive to destabilize my situation.
the thing that made the most sense to me, having my first daughter, destroyed my wife. her reaction to it, hating getting pregnant, destroyed me. my reaction to that, pulling away in a misguided attempt to protect myself, and my baby, destroyed her. her reaction to that , having an affair when my baby was months old, attempted to destroy our marriage. my reaction to her affair, shaming her for her choices, nearly destroyed her, and i am continuing to react to it. every time i turn to look, i have done something else to get back at her for her choice to look outside of our marriage for her intimacy. each time i fall in love with another of our friends, it destroys both of us further. i have not determined a way to stop that cycle. i have had limited success making real-world choices not to betray her. even when i choose not to see another friend, the inclination to self destruction sneaks up on me from behind, and i betray myself, and my family. in the moment, somehow i have a history of not seeing it happening, and each time, i continue my destructive path, justifying my actions with myself.
i feel like i am drowning in myself, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. i have made my choices, now years passed. the things i chose for myself are haunting me every day.
i am despirate for air, and i am not getting it.
i have been clouding my own judgement with pot-smoke in an attempt to look away from my accountability-for so long now, that i can't remember when i was in touch with myself.
when i am sober i suffer, and when i am stoned, i am blind to myself. i neglect my life, and the ones i love the most. i have walked away from all the things i have held the highest.
i am .... floundering.
submitted by anonymous
the thing that made the most sense to me, having my first daughter, destroyed my wife. her reaction to it, hating getting pregnant, destroyed me. my reaction to that, pulling away in a misguided attempt to protect myself, and my baby, destroyed her. her reaction to that , having an affair when my baby was months old, attempted to destroy our marriage. my reaction to her affair, shaming her for her choices, nearly destroyed her, and i am continuing to react to it. every time i turn to look, i have done something else to get back at her for her choice to look outside of our marriage for her intimacy. each time i fall in love with another of our friends, it destroys both of us further. i have not determined a way to stop that cycle. i have had limited success making real-world choices not to betray her. even when i choose not to see another friend, the inclination to self destruction sneaks up on me from behind, and i betray myself, and my family. in the moment, somehow i have a history of not seeing it happening, and each time, i continue my destructive path, justifying my actions with myself.
i feel like i am drowning in myself, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. i have made my choices, now years passed. the things i chose for myself are haunting me every day.
i am despirate for air, and i am not getting it.
i have been clouding my own judgement with pot-smoke in an attempt to look away from my accountability-for so long now, that i can't remember when i was in touch with myself.
when i am sober i suffer, and when i am stoned, i am blind to myself. i neglect my life, and the ones i love the most. i have walked away from all the things i have held the highest.
i am .... floundering.
submitted by anonymous
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Sitting alone on my deck, cigarette in hand, thinking about my journey through mamahood. From the first moment I realized my breasts were tender...
and felt undefined possibility pulsing through my body, I was hooked. I knew I was meant to be a mama.
submitted by anonymous
My period wasn't yet late and I was thinking of names, thinking how the hell to get out of the chaotic swirling mess of an abusive relationship I was in; thinking of how I could save my own girlchild from being raised a victim, how I could teach my boychild to solve problems without his fists. Already envisioning myself saved and reborn through the magic of birth. I had no idea that after the birth the work really began. Far from bestowing grace, birth is messy... it pushed me to the edge of strength, through terror and collapse and beyond death... into greater awareness: bigger lessons: harder work.
On that first night home, alone with a wailing newborn, exhausted from 18 hours of labor and 2 days without sleep, I was walking into walls and to this day I can't remember if I ever thought to nurse my babe. Maybe I did... maybe I knew just what to do... but that's not how I remember it. This was my initiation into motherhood: exhausted to the point of collapse, alone and inadequate: or so I thought... Now, after nearly ten years of mothering my three girls and myself, I know that I will never live up to the cultural vision I had of being the perfect mother and finally, I no longer care.
Now I know how complex the dance is: allowing trauma from my childhood to resurface, honored by my willingness to see, held like an infant in need of love; rocking myself gently, I find compassion and forgiveness for my parents, myself, my children. I accept the fact that I'm going to yell sometimes... that I often hear my voice and think my mother is in the room... I notice more when I am soft and nurturing: yielding to my girls' needs with grace...
As I reflect on my strength, weakness, failure and bliss I am curious about papas... how do our journeys mirror one another and where do they diverge? What unexpected gifts come when you are pushed to your limits and how do your limits differ from mine?
submitted by anonymous
My period wasn't yet late and I was thinking of names, thinking how the hell to get out of the chaotic swirling mess of an abusive relationship I was in; thinking of how I could save my own girlchild from being raised a victim, how I could teach my boychild to solve problems without his fists. Already envisioning myself saved and reborn through the magic of birth. I had no idea that after the birth the work really began. Far from bestowing grace, birth is messy... it pushed me to the edge of strength, through terror and collapse and beyond death... into greater awareness: bigger lessons: harder work.
On that first night home, alone with a wailing newborn, exhausted from 18 hours of labor and 2 days without sleep, I was walking into walls and to this day I can't remember if I ever thought to nurse my babe. Maybe I did... maybe I knew just what to do... but that's not how I remember it. This was my initiation into motherhood: exhausted to the point of collapse, alone and inadequate: or so I thought... Now, after nearly ten years of mothering my three girls and myself, I know that I will never live up to the cultural vision I had of being the perfect mother and finally, I no longer care.
Now I know how complex the dance is: allowing trauma from my childhood to resurface, honored by my willingness to see, held like an infant in need of love; rocking myself gently, I find compassion and forgiveness for my parents, myself, my children. I accept the fact that I'm going to yell sometimes... that I often hear my voice and think my mother is in the room... I notice more when I am soft and nurturing: yielding to my girls' needs with grace...
As I reflect on my strength, weakness, failure and bliss I am curious about papas... how do our journeys mirror one another and where do they diverge? What unexpected gifts come when you are pushed to your limits and how do your limits differ from mine?
waiting for the plow
submitted by anonymous - if you think it would be appreciated, if not, enjoy it yourself - i wrote it right after XXXX and my separation, and it was a real healer, just thinking of it in terms of the wheel turning/natural transition.
outside, the snow flutters to the ground. crisp, frozen grass is poised for the cover. every warning has been given of inclement weather ahead. surprise is not my state of mind. inside my warm house, i am braced against the blustery cold. fall leaves, dry from the previous month, now frozen, crunch beneath the feet of visitors - come knocking to check, and cherish. well meaning company comes, and talk goes on for hours. when bundled feet leave the warmth, they bustle off through powdery fresh flakes. they are bound for other warm hearths. bulbs in the ground, now covered with dusty layers, harden off for spring blooms. unharvested onions, and garlic winter - ready to grow, and multiply when warmer air, and water comes. hot foods cook in a stove, stoked up high. a feast is laid, celebrating what was. preparations can be made for ritual. celebration-joyous pondering of things to come. practitioners set valuable intentions. speech, and prayer focused on living, and death. these are times spent waiting for the plow.
outside, the snow flutters to the ground. crisp, frozen grass is poised for the cover. every warning has been given of inclement weather ahead. surprise is not my state of mind. inside my warm house, i am braced against the blustery cold. fall leaves, dry from the previous month, now frozen, crunch beneath the feet of visitors - come knocking to check, and cherish. well meaning company comes, and talk goes on for hours. when bundled feet leave the warmth, they bustle off through powdery fresh flakes. they are bound for other warm hearths. bulbs in the ground, now covered with dusty layers, harden off for spring blooms. unharvested onions, and garlic winter - ready to grow, and multiply when warmer air, and water comes. hot foods cook in a stove, stoked up high. a feast is laid, celebrating what was. preparations can be made for ritual. celebration-joyous pondering of things to come. practitioners set valuable intentions. speech, and prayer focused on living, and death. these are times spent waiting for the plow.
Sunday, February 5, 2006
lost in the social sea of downtown olympia
for a night, free from all responsibilities save those I cannot banish from the dark recesses of my partitioned brain. super bowl sunday. bob marley's birthday. i talk with steph on the phone, chatting about lyli and scarleht, rubbing a hangover from my haggard eyes. i miss her voice even though i should be used to this slightly random work schedule we have been moving through due to my self and alternative employments. but it gives me uninterrupted chunks of time to spend with my girls. Sometimes this blessing is a bit boxing but I try to find time between the chaos for myself. These moments of self-reflection become an ironing out of my latest emotional wrinkles whether they come in the form of a cigarette, splitting wood, a quick bike ride down to Pickering Passage to sit and think about the underside of bridges, toss rocks in the water and watch the Sound work her silent magics.
tomorrow lyli and scarleht and i will walk out to the mailbox, making the trek in just under 45 minutes and completely wiping them out before nap time. they are 20 months and 4 days old today and these past 2 years have been the hardest ones I have walked through to date, but also the most valuable in the sense of total sensory engagement and moral mental lessons in life, the boardgame you can't get bored of for long.
tomorrow lyli and scarleht and i will walk out to the mailbox, making the trek in just under 45 minutes and completely wiping them out before nap time. they are 20 months and 4 days old today and these past 2 years have been the hardest ones I have walked through to date, but also the most valuable in the sense of total sensory engagement and moral mental lessons in life, the boardgame you can't get bored of for long.
Friday, February 3, 2006
Most of our friends don't have babies and don't relate to Dylan very warmly.
I remember that before Dylan was born I was easily annoyed by the demands of friends' babies. I can see how couples with babies tend to socialize with each other almost exclusively. Still, I don't want to give up my relationships with friends who don't have kids. We'll have to work something out.
Being with Dylan gives me the chance to express my intuitive, feminine, yin self. It's easy for a man to always be in situations that call for aggressive, rational, manipulative perspectives and skills. With Dylan I move out of that more completely than I ever have before. The obvious importance of these new skills in relating to Dylan helps me respect and value them as they develop.
All in all, I now enjoy most of the time I spend with Dylan - taking care fo him, playing with him, watching him change and grow. He is one of the most important parts of my life. There are other important parts - my relationship with Susan, my work, being with other people. I don't want to give them up for Dylan, or him for them. I look for the balance, remembering that there is as much total space in my life as I have energy to keep clear.
excerpted from fatherjournal, by david steinberg
Being with Dylan gives me the chance to express my intuitive, feminine, yin self. It's easy for a man to always be in situations that call for aggressive, rational, manipulative perspectives and skills. With Dylan I move out of that more completely than I ever have before. The obvious importance of these new skills in relating to Dylan helps me respect and value them as they develop.
All in all, I now enjoy most of the time I spend with Dylan - taking care fo him, playing with him, watching him change and grow. He is one of the most important parts of my life. There are other important parts - my relationship with Susan, my work, being with other people. I don't want to give them up for Dylan, or him for them. I look for the balance, remembering that there is as much total space in my life as I have energy to keep clear.
excerpted from fatherjournal, by david steinberg
When Susan was pregnant, I imagined that writing and taking care of the baby would fit together well.
I figured that as long as I was home taking care of the baby I would do some writing as well. It seems incredible now that I could have so completely misunderstood what it would be like to have a baby.
I have resisted the shift from living on my schedule to living on Dylan's. I've tried to hold on to my old patterns, failed, and built up a lot of resentment in the process. After six months I think I'm finally letting go of my old life. The task is to build a new life that I like as well or better. One day, at the ocean, I cried while trying to say goodbye to a life that I loved and had worked hard to create.
Having a baby has brought an astounding amount of day-to-day work. A lot gets lost in the shuffle, like having time to sit and relax, time to talk about things that are hard to say, time to sort out feelings and become whole again. There are no more Sunday morning breakfasts in bed.
I wish now that I had prepared myself better for having a baby. I let myself get caught by surprise, and then felt resentful, as if I had been cheated out of something I couldn't quite define.
I'm not willing to be the second, somewhat foreign, parent. I tried that for a couple of days in a pique of frustration with Dylan. I felt distant and alienated from him almost immediately. It was horrible. Better to share responsibility for him, whatever the frustration.
Susan and I agree that we'll both work part-time and share taking care of Dylan. That way we'll both have outside lives and both be involved parents.
I still get an empty feeling when people ask me what I'm doing. Most of my energy in the last six months has focused on Dylan - on taking care of him and getting used to his being here. I carry enough man-work expectations in me that I feel uncomfortable using that to identify myself to people.
Having Dylan has made me feel confused, overwhelmed, uncertain - then bitter and resentful. The feeling of being up against something I can't handle, that is too much for me. So many things need to be done, so many emotional places need to be put together, and my energy outside of Dylan is so very, very low. Life has become complicated. I feel the jaws of middle-aged American mediocrity open wide.
Often my anger and frustration come out at Susan. It seems ridiculous to rage at Dylan, and I'm too defensive to blame myself.
I'm an only child, and I never babysat as a teenager. I knew nothing about babies when Dylan was born. My confidence in myself as a father was very shaky. I could hold myself together as long as everything went smoothly, but when something unusual happened I panicked. I got very depressed at my lack of intuitive baby sense.
Once I admitted all that to myself, and to Susan, I could face my weaknesses and work on them. I began to see that there were times when I was really good with Dylan, when I really did have good intuitive sense about relating to a baby.
excerpted without permission (so far) from Fatherjournal by David Steinberg, who went on to become a very interesting man, it seems. I will e-mail him tomorrow and ask him if it's okay if I put this on my site, but it's goin' up regardless.
I have resisted the shift from living on my schedule to living on Dylan's. I've tried to hold on to my old patterns, failed, and built up a lot of resentment in the process. After six months I think I'm finally letting go of my old life. The task is to build a new life that I like as well or better. One day, at the ocean, I cried while trying to say goodbye to a life that I loved and had worked hard to create.
Having a baby has brought an astounding amount of day-to-day work. A lot gets lost in the shuffle, like having time to sit and relax, time to talk about things that are hard to say, time to sort out feelings and become whole again. There are no more Sunday morning breakfasts in bed.
I wish now that I had prepared myself better for having a baby. I let myself get caught by surprise, and then felt resentful, as if I had been cheated out of something I couldn't quite define.
I'm not willing to be the second, somewhat foreign, parent. I tried that for a couple of days in a pique of frustration with Dylan. I felt distant and alienated from him almost immediately. It was horrible. Better to share responsibility for him, whatever the frustration.
Susan and I agree that we'll both work part-time and share taking care of Dylan. That way we'll both have outside lives and both be involved parents.
I still get an empty feeling when people ask me what I'm doing. Most of my energy in the last six months has focused on Dylan - on taking care of him and getting used to his being here. I carry enough man-work expectations in me that I feel uncomfortable using that to identify myself to people.
Having Dylan has made me feel confused, overwhelmed, uncertain - then bitter and resentful. The feeling of being up against something I can't handle, that is too much for me. So many things need to be done, so many emotional places need to be put together, and my energy outside of Dylan is so very, very low. Life has become complicated. I feel the jaws of middle-aged American mediocrity open wide.
Often my anger and frustration come out at Susan. It seems ridiculous to rage at Dylan, and I'm too defensive to blame myself.
I'm an only child, and I never babysat as a teenager. I knew nothing about babies when Dylan was born. My confidence in myself as a father was very shaky. I could hold myself together as long as everything went smoothly, but when something unusual happened I panicked. I got very depressed at my lack of intuitive baby sense.
Once I admitted all that to myself, and to Susan, I could face my weaknesses and work on them. I began to see that there were times when I was really good with Dylan, when I really did have good intuitive sense about relating to a baby.
excerpted without permission (so far) from Fatherjournal by David Steinberg, who went on to become a very interesting man, it seems. I will e-mail him tomorrow and ask him if it's okay if I put this on my site, but it's goin' up regardless.
Thursday, February 2, 2006
fatherjournal: five years of awakening to fatherhood
by david steinberg
times change press
my father (go figure) dug this little number up for me. just started reading it last night but so far so good. the book basically chronicles the first five years of david's relationship with his son Dylan as he attempts to subvert the dominant paradigm and be the dad america ignores. more to follow as i slowly read this powerful little text. oh, and if anyone knows what happened to times change press, I'm rather curious. They pumped out some amazing books and then dropped off the face of the planet.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
it's strange being away from my girls, even for just a few days. but my weird book life/job necessitates that, in return offering not only something to do from home but uninterrupted time with my children almost whenever we want it. every day i hunker down a little bit closer to center, waiting for life to catch up. as usual, I wish we could just fast forward.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
"You have never seen a bigger pain in the ass than the father who wants to get involved; he can be repulsive."
Former Chief Judge Richard Huttner, Kings County (Brooklyn) Family Court and Member of the New York State Commission on Child Support quoted in "The Fathers Also Rise", New York Magazine, November 18, 1985.
Interesting stuff old friend,
Beautiful fam you got there. I was just checken out your site, and the section about papas caught my eye. Im not ganna bore you by going into my year long court battle's with my daughters mamma. XXXX (our daughter) funny enough sharing the name sake of XXXX XXXXXXXX has spent more time having legal papers thrown back and forth over her then just about anyone i know. It's kinda fucked man, But more to the point, I cant tell u how many time attornies, friends, case workers, mediators, even child phyciatris beleave it or not told me to just walk away. People would say things like "Why do u even want to get involved? You pony up for Child suport, health insurance, day care, and attornie fees and all u get out of it is a couple of hours on the weekend."
I guess as a "single" pappa your just shuffled into that knuckle dragging girlfriend beating deadbeat dad sterio type. When faced with odds favored toward the mamma in every single court case regardless of the situation I can understand why some pappa's would feel unwanted altogather.
Give'em an invoice and show'em the door.
It's created a devide, the hudge step forward woman took in the 50's & 60's, has created a hudge bias in the civil courts. A serious look needs to be taken at this gap. I spent most of last year searching web sites on fathers rights and the laws regarding them. Its pretty fucken weak man. Anywho I get pretty fired up when i start thinking about the courts and getting bent over like most fathers do. So I'll stop this dieatribe for now.
xxx.
p.s. your site is 2 lagit 2 quit.
Interesting stuff old friend,
Beautiful fam you got there. I was just checken out your site, and the section about papas caught my eye. Im not ganna bore you by going into my year long court battle's with my daughters mamma. XXXX (our daughter) funny enough sharing the name sake of XXXX XXXXXXXX has spent more time having legal papers thrown back and forth over her then just about anyone i know. It's kinda fucked man, But more to the point, I cant tell u how many time attornies, friends, case workers, mediators, even child phyciatris beleave it or not told me to just walk away. People would say things like "Why do u even want to get involved? You pony up for Child suport, health insurance, day care, and attornie fees and all u get out of it is a couple of hours on the weekend."
I guess as a "single" pappa your just shuffled into that knuckle dragging girlfriend beating deadbeat dad sterio type. When faced with odds favored toward the mamma in every single court case regardless of the situation I can understand why some pappa's would feel unwanted altogather.
Give'em an invoice and show'em the door.
It's created a devide, the hudge step forward woman took in the 50's & 60's, has created a hudge bias in the civil courts. A serious look needs to be taken at this gap. I spent most of last year searching web sites on fathers rights and the laws regarding them. Its pretty fucken weak man. Anywho I get pretty fired up when i start thinking about the courts and getting bent over like most fathers do. So I'll stop this dieatribe for now.
xxx.
p.s. your site is 2 lagit 2 quit.
oh you know,i think i miss the mundane stuff most.
i would love to go to XXXXXXXXXXX with ya! also, i know i'm far away, but i'm always here to talk to. ya know with all this distance i've had time to really think about our relationship (mostly my fuck ups)i egret something. when we were xxxxxxxxx-ing, you had that friend that drove us there and back. i was not the most diplomatic when talking about him to you. i was angry and i didn't do a good job of explaining why. i really can't remember your friends name so i'll call him bob. i wasn't angry because of just you, but about people's interactions in general. see, i think in many ways i've changed a lot over the past few years (i know you can relate) and mostly i feel like my friends haven't changed with me, but far more offensive, is that they haven't supported my change. i can't speak for now, but i know around that time that you were really struggling with the fact that your friends no longer came around becaue you weren't the social center anymore. i know you had been that pivitol person in your social group, and then you had a meaningful relationship and children, and that stopped. i was angry for you that your friends weren't as there for you as they should have been. i'm sure it was made worse by the fact that XXXX's friends were more supportive (it's a girl/guy thing i think, and unfortunately you go the short end of the stick. what i was trying to say was that i hurt fo you, but it didn't come out that way. i was hurt because i could tell how much you needed support andi didn't feel your male friends were providing that, and i was frusterated that i couldn't provide that support as a female. i also saw you change a lot around "bob" and that hurt me for two reasons. 1 (and most important for me) was why should you have to act differently around your guy friends? why should you have to prove anything? i felt as though if they didn't get it, then they could go fuck themselves. but i also know that you really needed them, and they weren't there the way you needed them, so you adjusted your personality to get your needs met ( that could be false, but that was how i saw it). my other frusteration was that no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't be what you needed. i was also mad that i felt i saw you for what you truly were, i saw you at some of your very intimate moments, i knew/know how beautiful you can be when you let your barriers down, and i didnt feel like your friends understood. and i didn't understand how they couldn't see your beauty, how what you were doing was more important than coke and booze. what i am trying to say out of all of this is that my harshness was unnecessary and that it came out of concern. i miss you XXXXXX, you are a good friend, and a good person. you should be really proud of yourself. i love you! give a hug to XXXXXX and XXXXXXXXXXXX for me!
love,
XXXXXXXXXXXX
p.s. i can't fix and of my spelling or punctuation errors because it fucks it all up, i'm guessing you know what i mean.
submitted by anonymous
love,
XXXXXXXXXXXX
p.s. i can't fix and of my spelling or punctuation errors because it fucks it all up, i'm guessing you know what i mean.
submitted by anonymous
Monday, January 23, 2006
The Fall Great Plains Anarchist Network Caucus from a Parenting Perspective
The following comes from the AINFOS mailing list and is written by parents who have attended an Anarchist get together in the USA. I’m posting it here because it shows that the problems of parents, childcare and anarchism are not exclusive to Australia, and that the same problems are occuring in other places. In my opinion, the anarchist movement, in Australia at least, is/has lost its generational continuity because of its often ignorant or hostile attitude to parents and children, and is all the poorer for this.
The Fall Great Plains Anarchist Network Caucus from a Parenting Perspective
I’m writing this piece because I rarely hear how anarchist conferences or gatherings (that don’t include militant direct action or some sort of protest activity) go after they happen. There’s always a good deal of media before an event to get people there, but little is written afterwards. I’ve had even more trouble finding people’s perspectives on how childcare, personal bonding or networking went. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that protest action is sexier than who played with the kids. Similarly, certain activities are seen as more important and thus more glorified and covered than others; activities which oftentimes fall into traditional gender roles.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Dear xxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Very soon we will begin the abortion.
I very much appreciate the support you have given me so far, and I hope to learn more from you about your perspective and how to help you to cope with it. It is a delicate subject that we are both haunted by, but I feel confident that we can use this experience to turn those ghosts in to guardian angels. What I mean is that I am approaching this very difficult experience as an opportunity to grow, and I hope that we can embark on that process together. I sincerely feel that this spirit was sent to my womb to teach us how to come together, to greive together, to support one another, and to persevere in the face of something we cannot buy our way out of. At times during this next couple of weeks as we go through the abortion process, we will probably cry. At times we will probably be angry. At times we will think, “this is too fucking much, I cant do this.” But we have to, we have no choice. We have learned that from having children, and we will put it to practice again as we let go of another.
I have researched herbal abortion and have made a plan. You very graciously told me that you would do anything that I needed you to do, and I am going to accept that offer. I thought that I might tell you how to best do that, what I need from you so that you don’t have to guess about anything. It is tremendously difficult, yet entirely monumental that I am saying this, but I need for this time to be about us and me, and not you. Period. When this is over, everything will be different, we as people and as a family. And then we will begin the process of talking about your vascectomy, and I will be sure that you get the same special care. I have already begun to be able to visualize the person that I am going to be when I come out on the other side. I know that this is it. This is the next event in both of our lives that will determine who we are. Because we really are still becoming who we are, and it is beyond critical to our love that we manage to get through this together.
On the first day, I will make the arrangements for a clinical abortion in case this one fails. I have faith in my body, my will, your will, the earth, plants, and the synergy of the universe to provide the right outcome. However, there are unknowns, and once I have ingested the abortifacient herbs, the embryo will be at the very least damaged. I will need to go to have a pregnancy test at a clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed so that I can start the process to get a DSHS coupon, and then I will make an appointment at a clinic. With blessings, I will not have to keep the appointment, but then at least I could be sure that the pregnancy is terminated before it is too late. I will get all of the herbs for the abortion, and we will need to talk a lot. Probably more than you want to, but it is important that we stay together, and remain bonded and present for each other.
The first day, I will start taking Vitamin C at hourly intervals. This both stimulates my immune system, and tells my glands to stop excreting progesterone, which the embryo needs to survive. I will use a tampon soaked in parsley and evening primrose oil as a vaginal suppository in order to get the oils to my cervix, in order to ‘ripen’ it and ask it to let go of the hold it now has in order to keep everything in my uterus safe. This will be very uncomfortable, please be tolerant of any bitchiness that results. I will start to drink cotton root tea, once and then five hours later, and then four hours later, and then two, and then at regular intervals of two hours until the bleeding starts. This will shut down progesterone production even more, and will probably result in the death of the embryo. This rapid change in hormones will be very weird, Im not quite sure what to expect, but please be respectful, listen to me cry or leave me alone or hold me, and bite your tounge if you have to. I promise I will appologize later. I will promise to tell you what I want and not expect you to be a mind reader.
The next day, I will continue to do all the same things and begin taking the Blue Cohosh tincture (thirty drops in warm water) every four hours for five days. This herb has two chemical properties that are abortifacient. First, it stimulates oxytocin, which contracts the uterus. I have read that the oxytocin release from orgasm enhances this function quite a bit, by establishing a rhythm in uterine contraction. We should talk about sex. We should see if this is an option for our program, but we (I’ll help!) would need to make sure that I had an orgasm (oh darn!). After the first dose or two, I should do some physical excersize to get it pumping through my system. This would be an excellent time for me to take a brisk walk in the woods, it would also be very good for me to talk to the trees during this time. I don’t know what the effects of this herb will feel like, it will be at least very uncomfortable and at most excruciatingly painful. We’ll see.
On the next day, I will begin to taper off the cotton root and start to drink Angelica tea. This is a blood thinner and a uterus relaxer. This is when most of the blood will come out and I will have to catch it in a menstrual cup and pour it in to a glass of water to look for the fibrous tissue. This might be really difficult, and maybe something you can help me with. I want to pour this water to the fern outside our front door. I will continue this routine until the bleeding begins to wane and the yellow branch-like structure that is the part that connects the embryo the uterine wall is found. This means that the abortion is complete, and that I can begin to restore the dramatic depletion that my body has undergone in terminating the pregnancy. During this time, I will need lots of water, mineral-rich (especially iron) and protein-rich food, help taking my tinctures and teas at regular intervals, to be held and kissed and loved, time for contemplation, and rest. I will need to wake up a couple times in the night to take tincture. I will need a well-cleaned bathroom to take baths and meditate on the emotional aspects of this detatchment and to preform the more gruesome parts, as well as a peaceful sanctuary in the bedroom to retreat to.
I know that this is all a lot to ask, but it is what we have to do. In many ways, you will have to bear the same degree of burden as I do, just in a different way. Through all of this, I will do whatever I am able to make it as easy for you as possible. I know that we can do it together. When the abortion is complete, I will have to spend the next few weeks repairing. I will start taking echinacea and astralagus to stimulate immune function, and get back on a Multivitamin routine. I will need to eat really well, drink Nutri-tea, and plenty of water as well as take it easy and get plenty of rest. I will need to drink teas to contract my uterus down to its normals size. Most importantly, I will need to repair the damage to my liver and kidneys that the abortifacient herbs made. The silver lining is, I will be forced to take care of myself in the way that I know is best and have been wanting to start doing again. This would be a really good time for you to make any lifestyle changes that might make you healthier, and to start to research what you can do herbally to prepare for sterilization, because we will be able to support each other now in our changes, perhaps better than any other time, because we will both be in transition.
This will be a huge transformation for us, for me, and I think for you. I think that a lot of the problems we have now will be resolved by the growth that will take place through all of this. I will feel stronger, and the negative feelings that I still hold on to from our last pregnancy will be replaced with trust, mutuality, connectivity, and love. I love you so much, and I know that this is going to make us better. This child, this life of ours that is growing inside of me, cannot go to waste. We must take that energy of life that we created and transform it into something that we do want right now. I want a garden, a happy family, good food, beautiful things to look at, and you there with me as I look at them.
submitted by anonymous
[tags: herbal abortion, alternative abortion, d.i.y. abortion]
I have researched herbal abortion and have made a plan. You very graciously told me that you would do anything that I needed you to do, and I am going to accept that offer. I thought that I might tell you how to best do that, what I need from you so that you don’t have to guess about anything. It is tremendously difficult, yet entirely monumental that I am saying this, but I need for this time to be about us and me, and not you. Period. When this is over, everything will be different, we as people and as a family. And then we will begin the process of talking about your vascectomy, and I will be sure that you get the same special care. I have already begun to be able to visualize the person that I am going to be when I come out on the other side. I know that this is it. This is the next event in both of our lives that will determine who we are. Because we really are still becoming who we are, and it is beyond critical to our love that we manage to get through this together.
On the first day, I will make the arrangements for a clinical abortion in case this one fails. I have faith in my body, my will, your will, the earth, plants, and the synergy of the universe to provide the right outcome. However, there are unknowns, and once I have ingested the abortifacient herbs, the embryo will be at the very least damaged. I will need to go to have a pregnancy test at a clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed so that I can start the process to get a DSHS coupon, and then I will make an appointment at a clinic. With blessings, I will not have to keep the appointment, but then at least I could be sure that the pregnancy is terminated before it is too late. I will get all of the herbs for the abortion, and we will need to talk a lot. Probably more than you want to, but it is important that we stay together, and remain bonded and present for each other.
The first day, I will start taking Vitamin C at hourly intervals. This both stimulates my immune system, and tells my glands to stop excreting progesterone, which the embryo needs to survive. I will use a tampon soaked in parsley and evening primrose oil as a vaginal suppository in order to get the oils to my cervix, in order to ‘ripen’ it and ask it to let go of the hold it now has in order to keep everything in my uterus safe. This will be very uncomfortable, please be tolerant of any bitchiness that results. I will start to drink cotton root tea, once and then five hours later, and then four hours later, and then two, and then at regular intervals of two hours until the bleeding starts. This will shut down progesterone production even more, and will probably result in the death of the embryo. This rapid change in hormones will be very weird, Im not quite sure what to expect, but please be respectful, listen to me cry or leave me alone or hold me, and bite your tounge if you have to. I promise I will appologize later. I will promise to tell you what I want and not expect you to be a mind reader.
The next day, I will continue to do all the same things and begin taking the Blue Cohosh tincture (thirty drops in warm water) every four hours for five days. This herb has two chemical properties that are abortifacient. First, it stimulates oxytocin, which contracts the uterus. I have read that the oxytocin release from orgasm enhances this function quite a bit, by establishing a rhythm in uterine contraction. We should talk about sex. We should see if this is an option for our program, but we (I’ll help!) would need to make sure that I had an orgasm (oh darn!). After the first dose or two, I should do some physical excersize to get it pumping through my system. This would be an excellent time for me to take a brisk walk in the woods, it would also be very good for me to talk to the trees during this time. I don’t know what the effects of this herb will feel like, it will be at least very uncomfortable and at most excruciatingly painful. We’ll see.
On the next day, I will begin to taper off the cotton root and start to drink Angelica tea. This is a blood thinner and a uterus relaxer. This is when most of the blood will come out and I will have to catch it in a menstrual cup and pour it in to a glass of water to look for the fibrous tissue. This might be really difficult, and maybe something you can help me with. I want to pour this water to the fern outside our front door. I will continue this routine until the bleeding begins to wane and the yellow branch-like structure that is the part that connects the embryo the uterine wall is found. This means that the abortion is complete, and that I can begin to restore the dramatic depletion that my body has undergone in terminating the pregnancy. During this time, I will need lots of water, mineral-rich (especially iron) and protein-rich food, help taking my tinctures and teas at regular intervals, to be held and kissed and loved, time for contemplation, and rest. I will need to wake up a couple times in the night to take tincture. I will need a well-cleaned bathroom to take baths and meditate on the emotional aspects of this detatchment and to preform the more gruesome parts, as well as a peaceful sanctuary in the bedroom to retreat to.
I know that this is all a lot to ask, but it is what we have to do. In many ways, you will have to bear the same degree of burden as I do, just in a different way. Through all of this, I will do whatever I am able to make it as easy for you as possible. I know that we can do it together. When the abortion is complete, I will have to spend the next few weeks repairing. I will start taking echinacea and astralagus to stimulate immune function, and get back on a Multivitamin routine. I will need to eat really well, drink Nutri-tea, and plenty of water as well as take it easy and get plenty of rest. I will need to drink teas to contract my uterus down to its normals size. Most importantly, I will need to repair the damage to my liver and kidneys that the abortifacient herbs made. The silver lining is, I will be forced to take care of myself in the way that I know is best and have been wanting to start doing again. This would be a really good time for you to make any lifestyle changes that might make you healthier, and to start to research what you can do herbally to prepare for sterilization, because we will be able to support each other now in our changes, perhaps better than any other time, because we will both be in transition.
This will be a huge transformation for us, for me, and I think for you. I think that a lot of the problems we have now will be resolved by the growth that will take place through all of this. I will feel stronger, and the negative feelings that I still hold on to from our last pregnancy will be replaced with trust, mutuality, connectivity, and love. I love you so much, and I know that this is going to make us better. This child, this life of ours that is growing inside of me, cannot go to waste. We must take that energy of life that we created and transform it into something that we do want right now. I want a garden, a happy family, good food, beautiful things to look at, and you there with me as I look at them.
submitted by anonymous
[tags: herbal abortion, alternative abortion, d.i.y. abortion]
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Weep (it is frequent in human affairs),
Weep for the terrible magnificence of the means,
The Ridiculous incompetence of the reasons,
the bloody and shabby
pathos of the result.
Jeffers,Robinson.EagleValor,ChickenMind.TheDoubleAxe.Pg.127
Thursday, January 12, 2006
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