Thursday, September 7, 2006

a father's thoughts on ending relationships and beginning new ones, on rediscovery and reinvention

lifted from Radical Shift - Thanks! Wish you'd post more often, I enjoy your thoughts!

by far my biggest work has become figuring out what it is that i want out of a relationship. this has brought me back to my journal, and indeed my community.
this might sound simple, and some of you may have no trouble at all writing down, on the spur of the moment what you want from a partner, what you want from marriage, or what you want from your life. i for one, am at a loss.

it may be that i am afraid of what it is that i want, or it may just be that i am a little scattered in that way. for whatever reason, i get to the questions in my mind, and i just shut down. first of all, i get right back into what a professional on the subject once called"my shit". it's the outmoded stories, scripts, etc that play along in my mind blindly defining my life in terms of no possibility, from a place of not being present. i get stuck in the past, or project into the future. i blame myself, or others for what i am "stuck with" in my life, and generally have guilt, and self-loathing that lashes back out on the people i love the most. unfortunately, all this psycho-logikal krap is mostly subconscious, and i have been largely unaware of my stop in all of this until recently.

there is a piece that just occured to me. what i want changes irregularly, and often. i don't seem to know when i am about to make a "radicalshift"(pardon the expression), and change gears completely on what i want. it is just ever dynamic. relationship commitments have been easy for me to make, and very fucking difficult to keep.
i may be strongly sure about a set of agreements i make with somebody, and then without me recognising that it has, it changes almost completely. this mode has set me up to play the role of the hipocrit(however that is spelled) often, and it's not that i lied about what i wanted the agreements to look like, it just changes. all the freaking time.

this has been mirrored my life not just in relationship, but in general interests.
i may be completely committed to one hobbie, or study, and then in the blink of an eye, it's gone. this has brought me to polyamoury in the last year, because it was a set of agreements that i could live by, and seemingly get my needs met, but that has changing slightly, and i am not seeking lovers. there are relationships that i have that could be lover relationships(several), but i have not pursued that. right now, at this short time in my life, it seems foolhardy to risk all that i care about to satisfy my needs, which may only be wants.

i have taken to forsaking my wants in leiu of a wise, and patient course. is that really satisfying me? no/yes/maybe. i don't know, because i haven't gotten down deep enough through all the shit to find out. who's to say that it will stay that way for any length of time. i don't blame any of my lovers if they feel insecure in my life. they are! i can be whimsical, and (hopefully not too hard on myself here), flaky.
how can i expect my partner to act connected, when my issues, and thoughts/opinions/beliefs are moving all over the map. i feel like even when things are going well, that my partner is a little elusive, a little masked, maybe afraid to be vulnerable.

if i wallow in this mess, i get even stucker(yes, it's a word. i just made it up), so i am going to move off the subject slightly, or at least not delve quite so deep.
what do i want? i want to feel loved. i want to be free to express my feelings, and get acceptance, and understanding without judging me for them. i want room to make mistakes. i want sex. not too often, and not too seldom. i know i'm sounding picky here, but it is possible. and while i'm on the subject, i want some of it to be really meaningful, caring, deeply connected sex; spiritual sex. but i want to have quickies in the shower too. like right before work sometimes when it's really selfish but that's ok. or maybe right before the kids get off the school bus, and we only have like 4 minutes, but it's better to fuck for a few minutes than not to. i want some sex with the long looks in the eyes, like extacy sex, and i want some of that really awesome giggly sex that's like tickle torture, but funner and sexy. (admittedly, also like ex sex, but a different kind.) i want teamwork. (and i have a lot of work, so a team helps sooo much) i want to be an inspiration, and even a muse of sorts, but i also want my partner to inspire me, to breathe fresh air into my lungs when i am so deeply in my shit that i lose sight of how awesome i am.

wait a second, i thought i was stuck! what was all that. that fucking wall of fog is just that. it looks a hundred miles long, but as soon as i start running, and ram into it, i burst through, and fall into a meadow with buttercups, and dragonflies.

and furthermore, when i look at the things i wrote, i find that i already have these things.

1 comment:

radicalshift said...

thanks for posting this one sky.
my life as it is right now illustrates this one perfectly, because i have shifted away from some of what i say i want, and also shifted away from the part about already having all that i want. some of the having was an illusion, and some of i didn't really want(or wanted, but don't now).
talk about a radicalshift!
i call it dynamic because flaky hurts.